With John Solomon calling it quits (apparently) I suppose I'll go ahead and troll bad webcomic fans.
Today, I'll do Chugworth Academy. For those of you who don't know, this comic became somewhat infamous when he did a strip called "Jade's game" that really was just a rant about how no wimminz are allowed on the internets and game promoting should be left to man whores like cliffy b and John Carmack. I would have included John Romero but he's assumed missing since nobody has seen him since at least a hundred years ago as of last thursday.
There's much more to the comic than just simple misogyny which can be found in numerous shitty web comics though. For one thing, Avril Lavigne is a recurring character! Dave also has a fetish for wheelchair bound girls and will go to great lengths in order to create more in the comic.
What's more is that it takes forever for the plot to move and is completely unfunny in any way whatsoever. Sure, the art has improved but the only reason anyone hits F5 on this shitfest is look at mildly fappable pics of lolis and jb.
This is just a mini-review because it would take over 9,000 hours to read or even skim through all these shitty comics. End of the day, just avoid it so this silly sausage won't feel validated for his immature misogyny.
EDIT: Also, lets not forget the fans. Oh man, the FANS! They whole lot of them are just 13 year old boys who visit daily hoping to wank over cheesy hentai of the hottest game producers. I'm sure I will save them a lot of time and effort by telling them here and now that he will never do a
comic with John Romero and John Carmack. Just go back to reading CAD or User Friendly.
Saturday, December 8, 2007
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
The review of the review of Tangents
Robert A. Howard is a DevianTART
Jesus Christ it took you 490 words to say that? No wonder they took away your editing privaledges on ED, which forced you to make a crappy blog to attack crappy web comic drama whores.
Jesus Christ it took you 490 words to say that? No wonder they took away your editing privaledges on ED, which forced you to make a crappy blog to attack crappy web comic drama whores.
Thursday, September 20, 2007
The review of the review of El Goonish Shive
4chan
RULES 1 AND 2 NEWFAG! Learn them and live by them!
RULES 1 AND 2 NEWFAG! Learn them and live by them!
Sunday, September 16, 2007
The review of the review of Dominic Deegan. Or: from whence the i-celebrity came.
Dominic Deegan is a webcomic so bad you'd think it was hosted on an ancient Indian burial ground. It's so unwaveringly terrible it might as well be a universal constant. It's so bad that it spoils milk. It's so bad that your computer will physically smell when you load the page, an aroma of brimstone, decaying meat and burning feces that will linger for days afterward. It is so bad that none of what I have just said does justice to how bad it is.
That paragraph was so bad it made me take a break and read some pages on physics, I called up my good friend Stephen Hawking and asked him about “Universal Constants” and how terrible they are. He informed me that a Universal Constant is not terrible at all and in fact can be very useful. I suppose that means that through some sort of Freudian Slip you have accidentally revealed that you hold Dominic Deegan in the highest regard. Why this is the case I cannot even begin to guess because it seems to me a festering pile of failure and crap.
Let's do a blow-by-blow analysis of comic number one, shall we? First, let's take into consideration the art. The esteemed originator of this... particular piece is called Michael Terracciano, but goes by the cuddly-wuddly name of "Mookie" to all his fans. Aww. As we can see here, it sure has some humble beginnings! It looks like it was scratched out over ten minutes by some 14-year-old who's just watched Dragonball Z and thought it was the raddest show ever. The face is pretty flexible, adhering to a vague pentagonal shape, the specifics of which are hidden under some spikey hair. Hair you will get to know better than any other aspect of this webcomic, because 99% of the characters have some variation of it.
Too long, don’t read. Why not just say “bad anatomy, insult Dragonball Z fandom to fulfill Internet Tough Guy content quota”? I suppose this review had to be a certain number of words and such a simple sentence had to be stretched out into a paragraph.
Two paragraphs of Internet Tough Guy speak for “no improvement in the quality of art thus far, characters kind of look like pigs lol”.
There, I just saved everyone a minute’s time. I’m like a fucking tivo unit, except I don’t cost $300 and I don’t record TV…well yeah the analogy doesn’t work out very well but hey what analogy does?
He is not a bad writer, since he is not even a writer. He is to writing what a child molester is to sex. He is trying his hardest to do it, but he is just not doing it the way it should be done and that makes everyone else either very uncomfortable or very angry.
So that makes you…Chris Hansen?
John Solomon: “Why don’t you take a seat right there?”
Mookie: “But I was just…writing my webcomic…”
JS: “Not according to your chatlog…”
Mookie: “Aw fuck…”
JS: “According to chat log, you wanted to hold down the English language and gang rape it with the assistance of your friend, the guy who writes HDP…”
At any rate, when you expand on that very strong and humorous simile you actually end up describing nothing more than a fetishist. Fetishists make people uncomfortable or very angry, pedos actually rape kids and ruin lives. It’s a shame because you start out strong and finish poorly. Maybe it’s a tribute to Tim Buckley, the man who cannot finish on a punch line.
Yes, just like paedophiles have their little enclaves where they persuade each other that they're not actually creepy little shits, Deegan has its own wretched hive of scum and villainy. Knowing them, they'll probably take that description as a compliment and try and be all "ironic" about it without actually having the faintest notion of what irony actually is. This is because anyone who likes Dominic Deegan is a fucking moron.
I had to check the date on that post to make sure it wasn’t made before the release of Half-Life, because I’m pretty sure that it was around 1998 when there were entirely too many Star Wars references made for any of them to be funny anymore.
Bitches some more about the writing being piss-poor.
The amount of time you spent writing about how horrible his writing is could have been spent raising money for Terracciano to take some classes on creative writing, then for him to go to said classes.
HOLY CRAP A BAD WEB COMIC THAT USES A MARY-SUE! I MIGHT HAVE A HEART ATTACK FROM NOT SURPRISED!
srsly.
Goes on for over nine thousand words about how the Characters have no depth and are simply good or evil for the sake of being good or evil.
Wow I really like these things later on when he doesn’t take so fucking long to get to the point and actually backs up statements with links. Pics or it didn’t happen.
There is one exception to this rule, and he did things because he wanted to save the world. Only, his way of saving the world was not Dominic's way of saving the world and thus it was evil and thus he was evil and so Dominic had to go Super-Magic-Saiyan and power up to defeat him. That's not hyperbole, he really did that.
Who are we talking about? I was wading through the last few paragraphs longer than it took Frodo to drop that ring off in the Volcano.
Following any villain's chain of logic, it all boils down to "because they're EVIL!" which is pretty solid reasoning for an eight-year-old watching a guy with a skull for a face try to rule the world by stealing the powers of some guy with a phallic symbol and a bowlcut, but an utterly pathetic thing for a grown man to hang on to. If there weren't greater flaws in his writing, I would chastise Mookie for it. But as it stands I'd prefer to compare him to a paedophile again, or perhaps tell him to stop fucking writing since he's so very, very bad at it.
At this point you’re criticizing his storytelling abilities, not his writing. You can have excellent writing and yet suck at storytelling (like we see in PA). Bonus points for making fun of He-Man. I’m certain Maddox would be proud.
Ironically, John first mocks Mookie for not understanding depression then proceeds to go on about how depression is caused by physical imperfections which, after they are fixed, leave said person completely normal in attitude.
I’m no expert in all things and everything like a Hard Core Web Comic Critic but it seems like most people who are depressed and have poor self image tend to say things like “if only I had straight teeth, if only I had bigger boobs, if only I didn’t have acne…” but when those features are no longer present they do not become cured instantly because depression cannot be caused by being fugly.
Rape is serious business and orcs are from WoW.
The Christmas Cracker reference had me thinking you were from the UK but any brit-fag knows orcs are from LOTR since those books are like holy texts in that part of the world. I could guess but why bother?
(blah blah blah story exposition)All of the above takes place during a storyline where they have a rock concert. Yes, a rock concert. With magical electrical guitars. You do not know the meaning of the word pathetic when you see these flat, lifeless characters act out a rock concert in a soundless medium. Usually in black and white, too. It's like a 14-year-old girl trying to explain what a rad time she had at her first Fallout Boy concert via DeviantArt. Except then she gets raped.
As an aside, Melna is now in love with the guy who raped her as a child, and has actually referred to him as her "husband" - this actually made me physically sick to my stomach, which was the first time Dominic Deegan ever inspired any kind of emotion in me besides pity.
Why DA? I would have picked MySpace. Good lulz on this bit, although links would have been appreciated very much thank you.
Dominic Deegan is a bad webcomic. It's so bad I have just spent two thousand words explaining how bad it is and I still have more to say about it - but perhaps another time. In the mean time, do not read Dominic Deegan. Reading it is a chore, much like scouring your eyes with wire wool and bleach, only not as fun. Worse, you may find yourself accidentally enjoying the comic, which should bring about the dull realisation that you have no taste in writing, that you cannot discern pure shit from anything that's not pure shit, that you are a fucking idiot who likes Dominic Deegan and can never show their face in society again.
You know, you didn’t HAVE to subject us to that huge meandering block of text in order to make a point of how many words the review was at the end. I had a feeling you were working on a quota early on and yea, this thing has come to pass which I have predicted. It’s like I’m Jesus over here. Reading this review was a chore but I wouldn’t compare it to “scouring my eyes with wire wool and bleach” because that is not a chore unless you live in an extremely abusive household.
Maybe that’s why you feel the need to pick on mental retards that write horrible web comics?
Just for laughs I'll say, once more, that Terracciano is so bad at writing I'm willing to compare him to a Goddamn child molester. However, he'll never know because this is criticism of his shitty work, and that means he'll never read it. He is content to be in his warm little bubble of ignorance, soaking in a pool of his own filth, blissfully unaware that his writing is some of the worst writing to ever exist in the entire universe.
"Mookie", from the bottom of my heart, die in a fire. Seriously, die. No one will miss you.
Is he reading this or not? You just divided by zero, congratulations. You are so bad at writing critiques of Web Comics I compared you to Chris Hansen.
That paragraph was so bad it made me take a break and read some pages on physics, I called up my good friend Stephen Hawking and asked him about “Universal Constants” and how terrible they are. He informed me that a Universal Constant is not terrible at all and in fact can be very useful. I suppose that means that through some sort of Freudian Slip you have accidentally revealed that you hold Dominic Deegan in the highest regard. Why this is the case I cannot even begin to guess because it seems to me a festering pile of failure and crap.
Let's do a blow-by-blow analysis of comic number one, shall we? First, let's take into consideration the art. The esteemed originator of this... particular piece is called Michael Terracciano, but goes by the cuddly-wuddly name of "Mookie" to all his fans. Aww. As we can see here, it sure has some humble beginnings! It looks like it was scratched out over ten minutes by some 14-year-old who's just watched Dragonball Z and thought it was the raddest show ever. The face is pretty flexible, adhering to a vague pentagonal shape, the specifics of which are hidden under some spikey hair. Hair you will get to know better than any other aspect of this webcomic, because 99% of the characters have some variation of it.
Too long, don’t read. Why not just say “bad anatomy, insult Dragonball Z fandom to fulfill Internet Tough Guy content quota”? I suppose this review had to be a certain number of words and such a simple sentence had to be stretched out into a paragraph.
Two paragraphs of Internet Tough Guy speak for “no improvement in the quality of art thus far, characters kind of look like pigs lol”.
There, I just saved everyone a minute’s time. I’m like a fucking tivo unit, except I don’t cost $300 and I don’t record TV…well yeah the analogy doesn’t work out very well but hey what analogy does?
He is not a bad writer, since he is not even a writer. He is to writing what a child molester is to sex. He is trying his hardest to do it, but he is just not doing it the way it should be done and that makes everyone else either very uncomfortable or very angry.
So that makes you…Chris Hansen?
John Solomon: “Why don’t you take a seat right there?”
Mookie: “But I was just…writing my webcomic…”
JS: “Not according to your chatlog…”
Mookie: “Aw fuck…”
JS: “According to chat log, you wanted to hold down the English language and gang rape it with the assistance of your friend, the guy who writes HDP…”
At any rate, when you expand on that very strong and humorous simile you actually end up describing nothing more than a fetishist. Fetishists make people uncomfortable or very angry, pedos actually rape kids and ruin lives. It’s a shame because you start out strong and finish poorly. Maybe it’s a tribute to Tim Buckley, the man who cannot finish on a punch line.
Yes, just like paedophiles have their little enclaves where they persuade each other that they're not actually creepy little shits, Deegan has its own wretched hive of scum and villainy. Knowing them, they'll probably take that description as a compliment and try and be all "ironic" about it without actually having the faintest notion of what irony actually is. This is because anyone who likes Dominic Deegan is a fucking moron.
I had to check the date on that post to make sure it wasn’t made before the release of Half-Life, because I’m pretty sure that it was around 1998 when there were entirely too many Star Wars references made for any of them to be funny anymore.
Bitches some more about the writing being piss-poor.
The amount of time you spent writing about how horrible his writing is could have been spent raising money for Terracciano to take some classes on creative writing, then for him to go to said classes.
HOLY CRAP A BAD WEB COMIC THAT USES A MARY-SUE! I MIGHT HAVE A HEART ATTACK FROM NOT SURPRISED!
srsly.
Goes on for over nine thousand words about how the Characters have no depth and are simply good or evil for the sake of being good or evil.
Wow I really like these things later on when he doesn’t take so fucking long to get to the point and actually backs up statements with links. Pics or it didn’t happen.
There is one exception to this rule, and he did things because he wanted to save the world. Only, his way of saving the world was not Dominic's way of saving the world and thus it was evil and thus he was evil and so Dominic had to go Super-Magic-Saiyan and power up to defeat him. That's not hyperbole, he really did that.
Who are we talking about? I was wading through the last few paragraphs longer than it took Frodo to drop that ring off in the Volcano.
Following any villain's chain of logic, it all boils down to "because they're EVIL!" which is pretty solid reasoning for an eight-year-old watching a guy with a skull for a face try to rule the world by stealing the powers of some guy with a phallic symbol and a bowlcut, but an utterly pathetic thing for a grown man to hang on to. If there weren't greater flaws in his writing, I would chastise Mookie for it. But as it stands I'd prefer to compare him to a paedophile again, or perhaps tell him to stop fucking writing since he's so very, very bad at it.
At this point you’re criticizing his storytelling abilities, not his writing. You can have excellent writing and yet suck at storytelling (like we see in PA). Bonus points for making fun of He-Man. I’m certain Maddox would be proud.
Ironically, John first mocks Mookie for not understanding depression then proceeds to go on about how depression is caused by physical imperfections which, after they are fixed, leave said person completely normal in attitude.
I’m no expert in all things and everything like a Hard Core Web Comic Critic but it seems like most people who are depressed and have poor self image tend to say things like “if only I had straight teeth, if only I had bigger boobs, if only I didn’t have acne…” but when those features are no longer present they do not become cured instantly because depression cannot be caused by being fugly.
Rape is serious business and orcs are from WoW.
The Christmas Cracker reference had me thinking you were from the UK but any brit-fag knows orcs are from LOTR since those books are like holy texts in that part of the world. I could guess but why bother?
(blah blah blah story exposition)All of the above takes place during a storyline where they have a rock concert. Yes, a rock concert. With magical electrical guitars. You do not know the meaning of the word pathetic when you see these flat, lifeless characters act out a rock concert in a soundless medium. Usually in black and white, too. It's like a 14-year-old girl trying to explain what a rad time she had at her first Fallout Boy concert via DeviantArt. Except then she gets raped.
As an aside, Melna is now in love with the guy who raped her as a child, and has actually referred to him as her "husband" - this actually made me physically sick to my stomach, which was the first time Dominic Deegan ever inspired any kind of emotion in me besides pity.
Why DA? I would have picked MySpace. Good lulz on this bit, although links would have been appreciated very much thank you.
Dominic Deegan is a bad webcomic. It's so bad I have just spent two thousand words explaining how bad it is and I still have more to say about it - but perhaps another time. In the mean time, do not read Dominic Deegan. Reading it is a chore, much like scouring your eyes with wire wool and bleach, only not as fun. Worse, you may find yourself accidentally enjoying the comic, which should bring about the dull realisation that you have no taste in writing, that you cannot discern pure shit from anything that's not pure shit, that you are a fucking idiot who likes Dominic Deegan and can never show their face in society again.
You know, you didn’t HAVE to subject us to that huge meandering block of text in order to make a point of how many words the review was at the end. I had a feeling you were working on a quota early on and yea, this thing has come to pass which I have predicted. It’s like I’m Jesus over here. Reading this review was a chore but I wouldn’t compare it to “scouring my eyes with wire wool and bleach” because that is not a chore unless you live in an extremely abusive household.
Maybe that’s why you feel the need to pick on mental retards that write horrible web comics?
Just for laughs I'll say, once more, that Terracciano is so bad at writing I'm willing to compare him to a Goddamn child molester. However, he'll never know because this is criticism of his shitty work, and that means he'll never read it. He is content to be in his warm little bubble of ignorance, soaking in a pool of his own filth, blissfully unaware that his writing is some of the worst writing to ever exist in the entire universe.
"Mookie", from the bottom of my heart, die in a fire. Seriously, die. No one will miss you.
Is he reading this or not? You just divided by zero, congratulations. You are so bad at writing critiques of Web Comics I compared you to Chris Hansen.
Thanks John Solomon!
His eagle eye spotted a typo. We will watch out for this in the future. I have also corrected my name, because it is of course too obvious that I am the guy who does HDP.
PS: I like reading your stuff. It just happens to be incredibly awkward at time. This should be pointed out whenever possible.
PPS: Review Penny Arcade.
PS: I like reading your stuff. It just happens to be incredibly awkward at time. This should be pointed out whenever possible.
PPS: Review Penny Arcade.
Review of "Stop Linking To Me for Christ's Sake!"
This summary is not available. Please
click here to view the post.
Review of Shortpacked! review.
Really? Looking up the definition of a word and then relaying that to the audience? Is this an essay you wrote in middle school all of a sudden?
I must be mentally retarded or something because the second paragraph has me mind-fucked. First off, criticizing people for making pop-culture references when your blog has a line deliberately stolen from Futurama is like Brittany Spears giving parenting advice in that both are pretty fucking hilarious. What's with all the god-damn commas? Are you trying to make up for the lack of punctuation on the rest of the entire internet by using as much as you can stuff in your own blog posts? The second one in the last sentence completely changes what you're going to say and produces the mind-fuck. I'm not sure if that's what you meant, but you're telling us that telling a story like a graphic novel is not drama.
Maybe we should consult with TNT on this one, because they know drama (or at least claim to). Personally I only have a passing familiarity with drama having met drama at parties and read about drama on myspace.
I honestly hope you're being sarcastic in that third paragraph because otherwise you're fucking retarded. I may not know what drama is, but it sure as hell isn't that.
So in your opinion, characters are either walking piles of emotional issues or props for humor? Never entertained the possibility that characters might actually have backstories, that maybe they were there from the start? Even you said that she was depicted as "Internet Dependant" and socially awkward. Never entertained the possibility that perhaps the author had thought about why people end up like that and created a backstory that he chose not to reveal until a later date?
Really, did you just use "pretty rad"? I'm sorry, is this the early nineties and did we just start discussing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles all of a sudden? Wow I think I just heard that sweet new Nirvana single on the radio! It's funny how you say sentimentality fails when people are also using humor. I guess you don't get much out of Shakespeare then. I mean, all that faggot did was mix crude jokes with seriously dramatic events.
Wow still moaning about the drama in the next paragraph? So far it seems like it isn't so much that this web-comic is bad but that you personally don't care for it. Maybe you'll explain why this comic is actually bad instead of just not to your tastes....or maybe you'll pretend to be Maddox some more and make fun of the comic’s fans. I guess it makes sense since 99.999% of the internet is full of people calling each other "faggot" because one likes x-men and the other likes gen-13 or some other stupid shit.
Now this is interesting, now we see the Internet Tough Guy ego come out in full force (in both mouth and anus). Willis is an epic failure at all things because he fails to satisfy you, he will never achieve the greatness that is being on your favorites list alongside "stileproject" and "Something Awful". The rest of the review is composed almost entirely of stupid burns which just reek of insipid fanboyism, it's really the sort of thing that would end up in a "star trek vs star wars" thread or a "lord of the rings vs wheel of time" thread for that matter. You don't like something so obviously it must be made of fail and faggotry.
A review without any actual critique: that would be like if Willis made a web comic about toy collecting without any Transformers references. All in all this review was about as Fair and Balanced as Fox News, not to mention as reasonable as a /. argument about linux vs. windows.
I must be mentally retarded or something because the second paragraph has me mind-fucked. First off, criticizing people for making pop-culture references when your blog has a line deliberately stolen from Futurama is like Brittany Spears giving parenting advice in that both are pretty fucking hilarious. What's with all the god-damn commas? Are you trying to make up for the lack of punctuation on the rest of the entire internet by using as much as you can stuff in your own blog posts? The second one in the last sentence completely changes what you're going to say and produces the mind-fuck. I'm not sure if that's what you meant, but you're telling us that telling a story like a graphic novel is not drama.
Maybe we should consult with TNT on this one, because they know drama (or at least claim to). Personally I only have a passing familiarity with drama having met drama at parties and read about drama on myspace.
I honestly hope you're being sarcastic in that third paragraph because otherwise you're fucking retarded. I may not know what drama is, but it sure as hell isn't that.
So in your opinion, characters are either walking piles of emotional issues or props for humor? Never entertained the possibility that characters might actually have backstories, that maybe they were there from the start? Even you said that she was depicted as "Internet Dependant" and socially awkward. Never entertained the possibility that perhaps the author had thought about why people end up like that and created a backstory that he chose not to reveal until a later date?
Really, did you just use "pretty rad"? I'm sorry, is this the early nineties and did we just start discussing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles all of a sudden? Wow I think I just heard that sweet new Nirvana single on the radio! It's funny how you say sentimentality fails when people are also using humor. I guess you don't get much out of Shakespeare then. I mean, all that faggot did was mix crude jokes with seriously dramatic events.
Wow still moaning about the drama in the next paragraph? So far it seems like it isn't so much that this web-comic is bad but that you personally don't care for it. Maybe you'll explain why this comic is actually bad instead of just not to your tastes....or maybe you'll pretend to be Maddox some more and make fun of the comic’s fans. I guess it makes sense since 99.999% of the internet is full of people calling each other "faggot" because one likes x-men and the other likes gen-13 or some other stupid shit.
Now this is interesting, now we see the Internet Tough Guy ego come out in full force (in both mouth and anus). Willis is an epic failure at all things because he fails to satisfy you, he will never achieve the greatness that is being on your favorites list alongside "stileproject" and "Something Awful". The rest of the review is composed almost entirely of stupid burns which just reek of insipid fanboyism, it's really the sort of thing that would end up in a "star trek vs star wars" thread or a "lord of the rings vs wheel of time" thread for that matter. You don't like something so obviously it must be made of fail and faggotry.
A review without any actual critique: that would be like if Willis made a web comic about toy collecting without any Transformers references. All in all this review was about as Fair and Balanced as Fox News, not to mention as reasonable as a /. argument about linux vs. windows.
Saturday, September 15, 2007
Content to follow soon...
Content will follow within a reasonable amount of time. The full title is "Your web comic review blog is bad and you should feel bad for using a blatant Futurama quote instead of coming up with something yourself which is rather ironic considering you constantly rip on web comics for doing the exact same thing except with other pop culture phenomenoms instead of Futurama" but it seems a bit long to fit in people's browser tabs so here we are.
It's one thing to look up to Maddox and want to be just like him in every way. It's quite another to try to be like him and even fail at doing that, while at the same time blasting those who attempt to be Tim Buckley and fail at that effort.
At any rate, this is not a critique, that will follow.
It's one thing to look up to Maddox and want to be just like him in every way. It's quite another to try to be like him and even fail at doing that, while at the same time blasting those who attempt to be Tim Buckley and fail at that effort.
At any rate, this is not a critique, that will follow.
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