The review of the review of Dominic Deegan. Or: from whence the i-celebrity came.

Dominic Deegan is a webcomic so bad you'd think it was hosted on an ancient Indian burial ground. It's so unwaveringly terrible it might as well be a universal constant. It's so bad that it spoils milk. It's so bad that your computer will physically smell when you load the page, an aroma of brimstone, decaying meat and burning feces that will linger for days afterward. It is so bad that none of what I have just said does justice to how bad it is.

That paragraph was so bad it made me take a break and read some pages on physics, I called up my good friend Stephen Hawking and asked him about “Universal Constants” and how terrible they are. He informed me that a Universal Constant is not terrible at all and in fact can be very useful. I suppose that means that through some sort of Freudian Slip you have accidentally revealed that you hold Dominic Deegan in the highest regard. Why this is the case I cannot even begin to guess because it seems to me a festering pile of failure and crap.

Let's do a blow-by-blow analysis of comic number one, shall we? First, let's take into consideration the art. The esteemed originator of this... particular piece is called Michael Terracciano, but goes by the cuddly-wuddly name of "Mookie" to all his fans. Aww. As we can see here, it sure has some humble beginnings! It looks like it was scratched out over ten minutes by some 14-year-old who's just watched Dragonball Z and thought it was the raddest show ever. The face is pretty flexible, adhering to a vague pentagonal shape, the specifics of which are hidden under some spikey hair. Hair you will get to know better than any other aspect of this webcomic, because 99% of the characters have some variation of it.

Too long, don’t read. Why not just say “bad anatomy, insult Dragonball Z fandom to fulfill Internet Tough Guy content quota”? I suppose this review had to be a certain number of words and such a simple sentence had to be stretched out into a paragraph.

Two paragraphs of Internet Tough Guy speak for “no improvement in the quality of art thus far, characters kind of look like pigs lol”.

There, I just saved everyone a minute’s time. I’m like a fucking tivo unit, except I don’t cost $300 and I don’t record TV…well yeah the analogy doesn’t work out very well but hey what analogy does?

He is not a bad writer, since he is not even a writer. He is to writing what a child molester is to sex. He is trying his hardest to do it, but he is just not doing it the way it should be done and that makes everyone else either very uncomfortable or very angry.

So that makes you…Chris Hansen?

John Solomon: “Why don’t you take a seat right there?”

Mookie: “But I was just…writing my webcomic…”
JS: “Not according to your chatlog…”
Mookie: “Aw fuck…”
JS: “According to chat log, you wanted to hold down the English language and gang rape it with the assistance of your friend, the guy who writes HDP…”

At any rate, when you expand on that very strong and humorous simile you actually end up describing nothing more than a fetishist. Fetishists make people uncomfortable or very angry, pedos actually rape kids and ruin lives. It’s a shame because you start out strong and finish poorly. Maybe it’s a tribute to Tim Buckley, the man who cannot finish on a punch line.

Yes, just like paedophiles have their little enclaves where they persuade each other that they're not actually creepy little shits, Deegan has its own wretched hive of scum and villainy. Knowing them, they'll probably take that description as a compliment and try and be all "ironic" about it without actually having the faintest notion of what irony actually is. This is because anyone who likes Dominic Deegan is a fucking moron.

I had to check the date on that post to make sure it wasn’t made before the release of Half-Life, because I’m pretty sure that it was around 1998 when there were entirely too many Star Wars references made for any of them to be funny anymore.

Bitches some more about the writing being piss-poor.

The amount of time you spent writing about how horrible his writing is could have been spent raising money for Terracciano to take some classes on creative writing, then for him to go to said classes.


HOLY CRAP A BAD WEB COMIC THAT USES A MARY-SUE! I MIGHT HAVE A HEART ATTACK FROM NOT SURPRISED!

srsly.

Goes on for over nine thousand words about how the Characters have no depth and are simply good or evil for the sake of being good or evil.

Wow I really like these things later on when he doesn’t take so fucking long to get to the point and actually backs up statements with links. Pics or it didn’t happen.

There is one exception to this rule, and he did things because he wanted to save the world. Only, his way of saving the world was not Dominic's way of saving the world and thus it was evil and thus he was evil and so Dominic had to go Super-Magic-Saiyan and power up to defeat him. That's not hyperbole, he really did that.

Who are we talking about? I was wading through the last few paragraphs longer than it took Frodo to drop that ring off in the Volcano.

Following any villain's chain of logic, it all boils down to "because they're EVIL!" which is pretty solid reasoning for an eight-year-old watching a guy with a skull for a face try to rule the world by stealing the powers of some guy with a phallic symbol and a bowlcut, but an utterly pathetic thing for a grown man to hang on to. If there weren't greater flaws in his writing, I would chastise Mookie for it. But as it stands I'd prefer to compare him to a paedophile again, or perhaps tell him to stop fucking writing since he's so very, very bad at it.

At this point you’re criticizing his storytelling abilities, not his writing. You can have excellent writing and yet suck at storytelling (like we see in PA). Bonus points for making fun of He-Man. I’m certain Maddox would be proud.

Ironically, John first mocks Mookie for not understanding depression then proceeds to go on about how depression is caused by physical imperfections which, after they are fixed, leave said person completely normal in attitude.

I’m no expert in all things and everything like a Hard Core Web Comic Critic but it seems like most people who are depressed and have poor self image tend to say things like “if only I had straight teeth, if only I had bigger boobs, if only I didn’t have acne…” but when those features are no longer present they do not become cured instantly because depression cannot be caused by being fugly.

Rape is serious business and orcs are from WoW.

The Christmas Cracker reference had me thinking you were from the UK but any brit-fag knows orcs are from LOTR since those books are like holy texts in that part of the world. I could guess but why bother?

(blah blah blah story exposition)All of the above takes place during a storyline where they have a rock concert. Yes, a rock concert. With magical electrical guitars. You do not know the meaning of the word pathetic when you see these flat, lifeless characters act out a rock concert in a soundless medium. Usually in black and white, too. It's like a 14-year-old girl trying to explain what a rad time she had at her first Fallout Boy concert via DeviantArt. Except then she gets raped.

As an aside, Melna is now in love with the guy who raped her as a child, and has actually referred to him as her "husband" - this actually made me physically sick to my stomach, which was the first time Dominic Deegan ever inspired any kind of emotion in me besides pity.

Why DA? I would have picked MySpace. Good lulz on this bit, although links would have been appreciated very much thank you.

Dominic Deegan is a bad webcomic. It's so bad I have just spent two thousand words explaining how bad it is and I still have more to say about it - but perhaps another time. In the mean time, do not read Dominic Deegan. Reading it is a chore, much like scouring your eyes with wire wool and bleach, only not as fun. Worse, you may find yourself accidentally enjoying the comic, which should bring about the dull realisation that you have no taste in writing, that you cannot discern pure shit from anything that's not pure shit, that you are a fucking idiot who likes Dominic Deegan and can never show their face in society again.

You know, you didn’t HAVE to subject us to that huge meandering block of text in order to make a point of how many words the review was at the end. I had a feeling you were working on a quota early on and yea, this thing has come to pass which I have predicted. It’s like I’m Jesus over here. Reading this review was a chore but I wouldn’t compare it to “scouring my eyes with wire wool and bleach” because that is not a chore unless you live in an extremely abusive household.

Maybe that’s why you feel the need to pick on mental retards that write horrible web comics?

Just for laughs I'll say, once more, that Terracciano is so bad at writing I'm willing to compare him to a Goddamn child molester. However, he'll never know because this is criticism of his shitty work, and that means he'll never read it. He is content to be in his warm little bubble of ignorance, soaking in a pool of his own filth, blissfully unaware that his writing is some of the worst writing to ever exist in the entire universe.

"Mookie", from the bottom of my heart, die in a fire. Seriously, die. No one will miss you.

Is he reading this or not? You just divided by zero, congratulations. You are so bad at writing critiques of Web Comics I compared you to Chris Hansen.